what shall I write about today
the way my back aches
the way the wind feels when I'm outside
my love for you
there are many things I could write about
but right now
I can't pick just one

the small dog across the street
raises his voice
at some imagined encroachment
a truck passes
then the silence of leaves floating down
while the pup goes to check his food bowl
I check my keyboard
and I
too
am turned away
with an empty stomach

I press play
and there you are
for 51 seconds
I am not alone
any more

wired, strung out and sleep deprived
I am an unmade bed
thanks to a refill that didn't come
my fault
phoned in several days too late
why do I do this
maybe today's mail will bring it
hope is my only option

the autumn sun hits the flowers
pasted to the window
at an angle
and the kitchen is full
with light and shadows
I sit on the couch and wonder
what will I do till you come home

what's this hanging over my shoulder
seen from the corner of my eye
yet unseen when I turn in that direction
it moves there
closer
closer
then disappears
is it some ghost of times past
just a remembered someone
or thing
and why am I only haunted by it
when you're not here

no time today for second cups
the day is upon me
and I am late out the door

the winds of time are blowing me away
past rivers of years
into a newer, shorter day
So much of what has gone before
has emptied me and worn me out
but having you here today
with me now and always
makes this day much brighter than it might be
I am filled with the joy that is you

the leaves are rolling gently in the trees
flashing their undersides in waves
fall is showing off her petticoats

I am sitting in the shade while the sun is slowly drawn to me
first my foot then my leg
now it's on me

the pup on his leash is underneath my chair
except when he gets up to bark at passersby
we are happy together

I read your news today
and I was immediately taken back
to 1969
when eight months of anticipation
ended in sorrow
the sorrow is still there
when I think about it
but I think about it less often now
I know it will never go away
in spite of what you feel today
you will survive

leaves are scampering across the street
like crazed squirrels
I can hear the moan and whoosh
I am cocooned here at the keyboard
by the window
but soon I'll have to go outside
to go to lunch with my wife
I won't wear a hat

why does my love
leave me so empty when you're away
why is it only when you're near
I feel this fullness
the day still holds a promise
when you're gone
I have no more losses to count
except this
I know what it's like to see your smile
to feel your touch
to kiss your lips

what
no worries today
no buzzing in the brain
no focus on yesterday
and tomorrow
being here
now
is good enough

Where do I go from this perfect day
maybe to the next
tomorrow
like a pearl necklace
I shall string them all together
and wear them with a smile

grace is a gift I long for
not the kind that comes with bent knees
and starched shirts
but the kind that lets my mind
fill with the rythym of the tall grass
blowing in the wind
or the sound of a perfect sunset

You say 'yes, but'
and I hold my tongue
you have set sail upon
a sea of your own choosing
and wait for winds
that may never come

I never want to lose the child inside me
the one who feels the sun and the breezes
for the first time
the one who listens to the leaves
and watches the grass move
who tastes a ripe peach
and smiles so easily
he enjoys life so much
he finds everything new
and full of mystery
sometimes
in this old body
it feels so strange
to be looking out at the world
through such young eyes
sometimes the incongruity saddens me
but still
I never want to lose his innocence

life goes on all around me
people go by
strolling leisurely
with no awareness
that their free mobility
is a gift
something to be treasured
and i
i am pinned by my crooked back
to this chair
full of lifebut immobile

cars pass
people with destinations
I am here
wondering where they are all going
there is so much purpose in the world
so many places to be
so many things to do
so much busyness
what is it all for
I have forgotten
now I sit here
in the shade
on a lovely day
with a welcome breeze
coming in over my shoulder
and I am happy

my dark days are done
I am finished with all of my whining
most of my whining
I no longer sob every day
I no longer fear
for the most part
I am in a pleasant envelope
of my day to day
I recognize that happy
is not a place that I can be
forever
I have learned to make what I've got
worth it

for the most part

being happy where I am
no matter where that is
that's the trick
reality is a game
that I play with myself
I used to play so hard
so frantically
finally I have learned
that all I ever had to do
was declare myself the winner
and relax

I see temptation
and I look away
no forbidden fruit for me
except
wasn't it Adam's bite so long ago
that allowed me to recognize
that it was temptation
in the first place

so many faces
locked against
my casually prying eyes
they hold their true faces
for someone else
I guess openness
is too valuable
to wast on the many
it's better saved for the safe few
imagine what the world would be like
if we were all open
all the time
would every father love every father's child
too much to send them off to war

pumpkins on a wall
all standing in a row
facing Halloween
with no fear
brave pumpkins
I would not be so complacent
if I knew
I might be hollowed out
and carved into a mask
I would be afraid
but look at them
how they stand
so innocently

so many pills
13 in the morning
ten at night
to keep me sane
and healthy
what would've happened to me
in the not so distant past
before pills
would I be dead
or maimed
or in an institution
are they all necessary
I don't want to find out

it's harder today
this trying to write
trying to pull words down
from the clouds of empty thoughts
to fill the page
with what
more meaningless meanderings
about my boring life
why am I driven to do this
I wish I knew

another blank page
how daunting
another virgin
waiting to be enflowered
poems should be beautiful
so why do I call myself a poet
when I write so plainly
I fill many pages
but just with empty words
there is no beauty here
perhaps I'm just a fraud
just a sheep in wolf''s clothing

all of my poems
have the same message
I was here
find me

I am too expectant
maybe if I put my pen down
the words will come

where did the time go
so unnoticed
so forgotten
minutes rolled up and tossed away
like empty paper cups
so few remain with me
pressed between the pages of memory
I lose myself
over and over again
forever
I would hold this moment to my breast
and declare 'this is mine'
but there are so many moments
I am overwhelmed by them
and I lose track of what they mean
and where they should be stored
they slip away
they slip away

I begin the day
with that old, familiar pain
such a constant companion
such a reminder of my age
it increases and decreases
but it never goes away
when I'm sitting
(in the proper position)
or lying down
I can relax with it
but as soon as I take
that first step out of bed
it is right there
with me
bending me to its will
forward and to the right
I hate the way it causes me to stand
I hate that I can only be on my feet
for a short while
the bright side is that
as long as it is there
I know I'm still alive

I throw myself headlong down the stairs of memory
hoping to land in the basement
hoping to find the foundation
and maintenance center for my life
but I remain prostrate here
on the 21st floor
surrounded by your love
maybe I've already found the basement

when did you become my true north
I can't remember
I know there was a time without you
but I can't remember where I stood then
what vain platform I performed on
you are the water of my life
the oxygen of my soul
like dry grass through a sieve
weighed down by dust
and itching
I am parched
and looking for you
how did this come to be
I can't get my arms around my love

There's a world outside my window
Dare I encroach upon it
Dare I steal some moments, minutes, hours
from my solitary world
Shall we together surprise ourselves
with uncontrolled joy and happiness
We can explore together the borders of our complacence
and find each other again
There's a world outside my window
Why not