once I was whole with the universe
floating womb-like in the knowledge
that I was one
then perspective became more individual
and I was separate and apart from
no longer joined and complete
and I became the I I am today
unable to see
except through my eyes

a texan in illinois

winter is the hollow end
of the days that empty out the year
with brittle snow and freezing wind
that calls to have a fireplace near.
a cold that leaves me bare-boned so
I’m like a corpse left for too long
with winter’s tag upon my toe,
unclaimed by warmth I don’t belong
among the ones who thrive in what
to me’s a deadly, killing frost.
instead I have a simple need that
cries for summers that I’ve lost
if only I could be at rest
content on winter’s icy breast.

I sent a hope off just today
it cost me .82
and now I wait to see what comes
a check
or a rejection slip
it's the waiting that kills me

so much of what I am
is summed up
by the yellow and blue corded string
I wear around my wrist
it can tell you everything
you need to know about who I am

I can't conceive of nothingness
an end complete and nothing less
no more to be no more to see
and what an awful mystery
a void and nothing more

and in that void there'll be no I
no ego still beneath the sky
where once I was I will not be
and nothing else replaces me
there'll be no contemplation

no consciousness to mark the day
perception will be gone away
and I will be so unaware
that there is no awareness there
I simply will not be

how can that be that there's no eye
to see the world beneath the sky
no ear to hear no fingers touch
no smell no taste it is too much
I can not comprehend it

Can faith alone provide some hope
when there's confusion of such scope
each answer brings more questions
and questions that shall have not end
until I reach that final bend

I'll know or die unknowing
I'll know or die unknowing

Nefertiti's head
black-coated plaster
chipped at the base
sitting on the bookcase by the window
in our living room
reminds me of that other bookcase
in my parent's old house
(and the one before that
and the one before that)
the one they had when my father was still alive
and my mother wasn't yet in the retirement home
where I grew so used to seeing it
now one glimpse of it
from the corner of my eye
and I am back
sitting in that other living room
visiting
for a moment
where I used to live
and who I used to be
My mother's 89 now
and soon
all I'll have left is Nefertiti's head

dead calm and a cloud strewn sky
the air outide is gray
the pup is doing the worm dance on the couch
and I am at the keyboard again
the coffee pot is empty
and the tailings still in my cup are pale warm
there is always you there
just there
on the perimeter
of all my knowings and my thinkings
I am bored thrilled by what my life has become
and in this I am happy

all the trees had thinning leaves
the grass was turning brown
I put my winter coat on
and walked up to the town

on my way I met a man
his back was stooped and bent
his face was gray his hair was white
his smile was heaven sent

he asked me for a dollar
I gave him what I had
he shook my hand and gave his thanks
then this is what he said

my life has had it’s sorrows
my luck was often bad
but life is worth the living
it’s best to not be sad

for each new day has promises
of joy that’s yet to be
and when that’s what you look for
it’s joy that you will see

I learned all this not long ago
and hold it to my heart
a love I loved did pass away
but love did never part

and as I walk through present days
I have the memory
of what we spoke and what we did
and what she gave to me

for love’s the greatest joy there is
it’s love that makes life grand
and when you’ve loved you’ve always got
a preciousness at hand

and when in turn you have been loved
there is no greater thing
it’s this that’s worth the living
the joy that love can bring

for in the end you cannot find
a happiness in fame
in riches or possessions
it’s all a silly game

that’s played by fools to no avail
there is no winning there
the only way you win at life’s
when love has been your share

he smiled and nodded as he passed
and gave his thanks again
and though I’d given all I had
I left a richer man

the sky turned bright and beautiful
though I still felt the chill
of late fall’s bluster in the air
0f winter coming still

I walked away that fateful day
in newness and with sight
and vowed to heed the old man’s words
I walked until the night

and since that day my blessings
have far outweighed my woes
I’ve learned to love much easier
I’ve seen how loving goes

that when I spend it freely
it soon comes back to me
and now ambition has become
to live life joyfully

this clean blue sky and skin-kissing breeze
all this bright and shining air
I'd trade it all
for a dark december night with howling winds
for just one touch of your lips on mine
or a smile
or one more moment of time spent with you
you are my beauty and my calm
you're all I need of spring

the leaves are still
and the sky's not blue
all the lights are off
and it's dusky
the pup's asleep
I have no oomph
but you'll be home soon
so my day is bright

the sun of the old day
hovers low in a cloud laden sky
the breeze becomes a wind
the night comes quicker now
soon the western sky
will be spread with strawberry jam
and the birds will start to sleep
night creatures who brave the cold will sing
and I
in my pajamas and sandals
will fall into my current book
with a cup of honey-lemon tea
just a touch of soy milk
at my side
the pup already sleeps
in my wife's lap
we're in for the night

1 cash
2 checking
3 savings
.
.
.
37 school
38 fin_chg
39 postage

neat
orderly
if only life was too
but at least
I can fit it into a balance sheet
and as long as the good
exceeds the bad
I can be happy

frolicking leaves cover the ground
soon they will be wet and rotting
good for the soil
grass will grow again
trees will flourish
and I
like a single fallen leaf
will go
where no spring can touch me
should I mourn the closing of my days
or rejoice
at the lives and loves I've shared
and call it just completeness
I shall be my own compost
look - a blossom on this twisted vine of time

the cry of a bird
this morning
took me back
back to the smell of tobacco
hanging in the barn
back to the feeling of hiding in the hay
to walks in the woods
headed to the back field
to the days when a tobacco stick
and a piece of twine
could become a horse and bridle
back to the sun on the wet grass
in the morning
back to the farm

the bright sun adds life
to the skeletons of leaves on the lawn
and the cold breeze
as i sit here at the desk
the pup whines
and begs to be picked up
I give in
and lift him to my lap
then go back to staring out the window
at the new day